THIS CRAZY PLACE I WORK AT
Amusing anecdotes to brighten the day.
I like to think that I’m pretty knowledgeable when it comes to pop culture. I’m fairly aware of who’s who in the acting world. Rarely does a moderately known face or name come across my path that I don’t at least recognize. I can probably name you something they've been in too. I don't necessarily want this knowledge, it's just here. I can't remember plans a week ahead, nor what I did the week before. But this pop knowledge? This shit's not going anywhere. So imagine my surprise when a pack of teenage girls roam the isles of Hollywood Video discussing somebody who I’m barely familiar with: Kristen Chenoweth.
Who???
At this point, I’m only aware of her "work" in that masterpiece R.V., one of those titles I put on in the background and did other things, hoping it might surprise me. It didn't. She’s a pretty little lady with large juggs. I don’t use the term juggs to describe breasts often, but sometimes it’s justified. So here I am, wondering why these girls are discussing Chenoweth as if she’s some breed of mega-star. Granted, I’m not a teenager, but I think I know who the kids are talking about these days. And so, their exchange...
GIRL 1 - Oh my god, that looks SO stupid. Let’s rent Just My Luck, I hate Lindsay Lohan.
GIRL 2 - Totally, I hate her too. Let’s get it. Hey, Kristen Chenoweth is in EVERYTHING these days.
GIRL 1 - Yeah, I love Kristen Chenoweth! She was in Stranger Than Fiction, we saw that the other night. She was the reporter.
GIRL 2 - Yeah, K-Chen is in ev-erything.
GIRL 1 - Nathan told me that he’s in LOVE with K-Chen!
GIRL 2 - Yeah, he IS in love with K-Chen, he told me too.
GIRL 1 - Well, she has big boobs.
GIRL 2 - Yeah, K-Chen has really big boobs.
She’s apparently so well known that they have to abbreviate her name! K-Chen! Ridiculous! Who the fuck IS she? She has big boobs, and I don't know this large body of work? What am I missing out on?? I'm a big boob FAN. If you look through my extensive pornography collection, you will find almost nothing but big, natural boobs! And dicks! I immediately had to call my friend Joe who would appreciate this story more than anyone else. We were BOTH baffled. He didn’t even recognize the name! If neither of us know who someone is, they simply don’t exist. So we both did a little digging. Is this "everything?"
2003: The Music Man (TV remake with Matthew Broderick)
2004: The West Wing (through 2006)
2005: Bewitched (fucking YUCK)
2006: The Pink Panther, R.V., Stranger Than Fiction, Running With Scissors, Deck the Halls
Fucking Deck the Halls? I really didn't think they could make a shittier looking Christmas flick than Christmas With the Cranks, but they DID! Joe dug up that she’s done a lot of work on Broadway in things such as Wicked...
Monty Python's Spamalot...
...and Martin Short’s new musical.
...I couldn't find a picture.
The moral? Teenagers exaggerate things a lot. And watch out for K-Chen!
THE GINGER KID
I am a sucker for redheads. Girls, not boys. Redheaded girls are feisty and fun. Redheaded boys are some weird breed of leprechaun that has someone taken on human form and proportions. But don’t be fooled...they’re pure evil. We have two large redheaded kids that frequent our store. One of them is pretty quiet, enjoys video games. The other is an obnoxious, flamboyant bag-o-fags. He comes in with his Grandma. It’s very, very easy to see the difference between them. They look nearly identical! But don’t you worry, once they speak you know which one it is. Grandma approaches the counter last week, and her grandson in tow. I begin to check them out. His exchange with me was probably the most uncomfortably hilarious thing I’ve seen in my entire life.
GINGER KID - I...I’m sorry, I have to...why is it that your store only has ONE copy of Tootsie, and yet has FOUR copies of The Master Of Disguise with Dana Carvey?
It was a good question, and one I had no answer for.
ME (shrugs) - Bwah..hah...uh?
GINGER KID - I mean, that’s awful.
ME - Yeah, I agree. I dunno.
True, it's a bit of a disappointment. Tootsie's a fine film, Master certainly isn't. But why THOSE two movies? Unprovoked, his rage rises.
GINGER KID - It’s a tragedy! I’m crying!
He wasn’t. There was a long pause...and then...
GINGER KID - I mean, I didn’t cry this much at my own mother’s funeral.
He delivered it so deadpan and crazy, which caused all three of us working to chuckle. But the look on Grandma’s face was the kicker. She was absolutely STUNNED. Her heart had sunk.
GRANDMA - What? What are you saying? Do you know what you’re saying??!?!? GO OUTSIDE! WAIT FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!!!
I then had to finish checking her out, holding in the laughter. She put on her best pleasant face for the duration. It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized it was likely her own daughter the kid was referring to. THAT was the sickest laugh I’ve had all year.
They came back in this week. He was silent the entire time. I would assume she broke out the bag of sweet Valencia oranges.
NEVILLE THE DEVILLE
It’s really, really funny working with the elderly. I had to do it at my first job at Schnucks grocery store, and I’ve encountered it along the way at my many other jobs. It’s mostly amusing because they are allowed gratis to do whatever the fuck they want. The excuse? They’re old, they don’t know any better. They simply haven’t adapted to the ways of the modern world. They get angry with electronics, they curse profusely, they don’t understand computers, and they work at the speed of slow. God forbid they encounter another old person in the middle of a rush, or someone ELSE chatty enough to want to hear a story about "their" time. Nobody really wants to, let's be honest. It's few and far between that you can find an elderly person who has interesting stories to tell. Like having an affair with Ghandi, for instance.
One such person you'd rather not hear from is this old gentleman Neville. He works at another store, but fills in occasionally at ours. He’s a jubilant man, he hums and whistles. He fought in one of the wars. He has little patience. I find it funny when I’m above people who are quite a bit older than me. I feel no sense of control whatsoever. Here’s an actual exchange from last night, damn near verbatim, from him speaking with a guest on the phone.
NEVILLE - Hollywood Video, this is Neville...yes, that’s the location...sure, I can tell you that we have the first two seasons, season one and two, however I can’t tell you what we have in stock or not off the top of my head...hang on.
At this point, he walks out to the shelf, and grabs discs off of the shelf. He hunts, and comes back. It's Grey's Anatomy. See, this is amusing to me. I'm aware that someone decided not to return any of season one, and we have thus lost it until they send a replacement. I decide not to confuse Neville by attempting to explain this. I also hope the results will be much more amusing this way.
NEVILLE - It appears that season one isn’t in the right place, it may be checked out right now, but we have season two episodes 1-6, 7-12, 13-19, 20-26, which ones would you like?...
He suddenly slams his fist on the counter.
NEVILLE - GODDAMMIT, madam, I just TOLD you, we don’t HAVE the first season, it’s all checked out, or I can't find it...we have season TWO, episodes 1-6, 7-12, 13-19, 20-26, now which ones would you LIKE?...I just TOLD you the episodes on each disc...the first three discs, alright...I will hold them for ONE HOUR, and one hour only...
We don’t have any kind of holding policy. Usually, if it’s something that isn’t in demand, we’ll throw it behind the counter for a few days and forget about it until someone gets it or I notice it’s been there for a while. I’m not sure who gave him this hour policy...
NEVILLE - It’s ten til seven now, so I’ll hold these until seven-fifty, and not a minute later...can I have your name to put these under...WELL, HOLD ON, let me get a post- it...alright, no later than seven-fifty...you’re welcome.
I fully expected someone to come in and complain, but she was a friendly little Vietnamese woman and her daughter. ANYONE else would have complained, but I know that he got a pass because he’s a human relic. No foolin’. Had our store been packed when my young coworker Gretta decided to announce loudly that Catholic schoolgirls are "butt-sluts," much worse results.
-M
Amusing anecdotes to brighten the day.
I like to think that I’m pretty knowledgeable when it comes to pop culture. I’m fairly aware of who’s who in the acting world. Rarely does a moderately known face or name come across my path that I don’t at least recognize. I can probably name you something they've been in too. I don't necessarily want this knowledge, it's just here. I can't remember plans a week ahead, nor what I did the week before. But this pop knowledge? This shit's not going anywhere. So imagine my surprise when a pack of teenage girls roam the isles of Hollywood Video discussing somebody who I’m barely familiar with: Kristen Chenoweth.
Who???
At this point, I’m only aware of her "work" in that masterpiece R.V., one of those titles I put on in the background and did other things, hoping it might surprise me. It didn't. She’s a pretty little lady with large juggs. I don’t use the term juggs to describe breasts often, but sometimes it’s justified. So here I am, wondering why these girls are discussing Chenoweth as if she’s some breed of mega-star. Granted, I’m not a teenager, but I think I know who the kids are talking about these days. And so, their exchange...
GIRL 1 - Oh my god, that looks SO stupid. Let’s rent Just My Luck, I hate Lindsay Lohan.
GIRL 2 - Totally, I hate her too. Let’s get it. Hey, Kristen Chenoweth is in EVERYTHING these days.
GIRL 1 - Yeah, I love Kristen Chenoweth! She was in Stranger Than Fiction, we saw that the other night. She was the reporter.
GIRL 2 - Yeah, K-Chen is in ev-erything.
GIRL 1 - Nathan told me that he’s in LOVE with K-Chen!
GIRL 2 - Yeah, he IS in love with K-Chen, he told me too.
GIRL 1 - Well, she has big boobs.
GIRL 2 - Yeah, K-Chen has really big boobs.
She’s apparently so well known that they have to abbreviate her name! K-Chen! Ridiculous! Who the fuck IS she? She has big boobs, and I don't know this large body of work? What am I missing out on?? I'm a big boob FAN. If you look through my extensive pornography collection, you will find almost nothing but big, natural boobs! And dicks! I immediately had to call my friend Joe who would appreciate this story more than anyone else. We were BOTH baffled. He didn’t even recognize the name! If neither of us know who someone is, they simply don’t exist. So we both did a little digging. Is this "everything?"
2003: The Music Man (TV remake with Matthew Broderick)
2004: The West Wing (through 2006)
2005: Bewitched (fucking YUCK)
2006: The Pink Panther, R.V., Stranger Than Fiction, Running With Scissors, Deck the Halls
Fucking Deck the Halls? I really didn't think they could make a shittier looking Christmas flick than Christmas With the Cranks, but they DID! Joe dug up that she’s done a lot of work on Broadway in things such as Wicked...
Monty Python's Spamalot...
...and Martin Short’s new musical.
...I couldn't find a picture.
The moral? Teenagers exaggerate things a lot. And watch out for K-Chen!
THE GINGER KID
I am a sucker for redheads. Girls, not boys. Redheaded girls are feisty and fun. Redheaded boys are some weird breed of leprechaun that has someone taken on human form and proportions. But don’t be fooled...they’re pure evil. We have two large redheaded kids that frequent our store. One of them is pretty quiet, enjoys video games. The other is an obnoxious, flamboyant bag-o-fags. He comes in with his Grandma. It’s very, very easy to see the difference between them. They look nearly identical! But don’t you worry, once they speak you know which one it is. Grandma approaches the counter last week, and her grandson in tow. I begin to check them out. His exchange with me was probably the most uncomfortably hilarious thing I’ve seen in my entire life.
GINGER KID - I...I’m sorry, I have to...why is it that your store only has ONE copy of Tootsie, and yet has FOUR copies of The Master Of Disguise with Dana Carvey?
It was a good question, and one I had no answer for.
ME (shrugs) - Bwah..hah...uh?
GINGER KID - I mean, that’s awful.
ME - Yeah, I agree. I dunno.
True, it's a bit of a disappointment. Tootsie's a fine film, Master certainly isn't. But why THOSE two movies? Unprovoked, his rage rises.
GINGER KID - It’s a tragedy! I’m crying!
He wasn’t. There was a long pause...and then...
GINGER KID - I mean, I didn’t cry this much at my own mother’s funeral.
He delivered it so deadpan and crazy, which caused all three of us working to chuckle. But the look on Grandma’s face was the kicker. She was absolutely STUNNED. Her heart had sunk.
GRANDMA - What? What are you saying? Do you know what you’re saying??!?!? GO OUTSIDE! WAIT FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!!!
I then had to finish checking her out, holding in the laughter. She put on her best pleasant face for the duration. It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized it was likely her own daughter the kid was referring to. THAT was the sickest laugh I’ve had all year.
They came back in this week. He was silent the entire time. I would assume she broke out the bag of sweet Valencia oranges.
NEVILLE THE DEVILLE
It’s really, really funny working with the elderly. I had to do it at my first job at Schnucks grocery store, and I’ve encountered it along the way at my many other jobs. It’s mostly amusing because they are allowed gratis to do whatever the fuck they want. The excuse? They’re old, they don’t know any better. They simply haven’t adapted to the ways of the modern world. They get angry with electronics, they curse profusely, they don’t understand computers, and they work at the speed of slow. God forbid they encounter another old person in the middle of a rush, or someone ELSE chatty enough to want to hear a story about "their" time. Nobody really wants to, let's be honest. It's few and far between that you can find an elderly person who has interesting stories to tell. Like having an affair with Ghandi, for instance.
One such person you'd rather not hear from is this old gentleman Neville. He works at another store, but fills in occasionally at ours. He’s a jubilant man, he hums and whistles. He fought in one of the wars. He has little patience. I find it funny when I’m above people who are quite a bit older than me. I feel no sense of control whatsoever. Here’s an actual exchange from last night, damn near verbatim, from him speaking with a guest on the phone.
NEVILLE - Hollywood Video, this is Neville...yes, that’s the location...sure, I can tell you that we have the first two seasons, season one and two, however I can’t tell you what we have in stock or not off the top of my head...hang on.
At this point, he walks out to the shelf, and grabs discs off of the shelf. He hunts, and comes back. It's Grey's Anatomy. See, this is amusing to me. I'm aware that someone decided not to return any of season one, and we have thus lost it until they send a replacement. I decide not to confuse Neville by attempting to explain this. I also hope the results will be much more amusing this way.
NEVILLE - It appears that season one isn’t in the right place, it may be checked out right now, but we have season two episodes 1-6, 7-12, 13-19, 20-26, which ones would you like?...
He suddenly slams his fist on the counter.
NEVILLE - GODDAMMIT, madam, I just TOLD you, we don’t HAVE the first season, it’s all checked out, or I can't find it...we have season TWO, episodes 1-6, 7-12, 13-19, 20-26, now which ones would you LIKE?...I just TOLD you the episodes on each disc...the first three discs, alright...I will hold them for ONE HOUR, and one hour only...
We don’t have any kind of holding policy. Usually, if it’s something that isn’t in demand, we’ll throw it behind the counter for a few days and forget about it until someone gets it or I notice it’s been there for a while. I’m not sure who gave him this hour policy...
NEVILLE - It’s ten til seven now, so I’ll hold these until seven-fifty, and not a minute later...can I have your name to put these under...WELL, HOLD ON, let me get a post- it...alright, no later than seven-fifty...you’re welcome.
I fully expected someone to come in and complain, but she was a friendly little Vietnamese woman and her daughter. ANYONE else would have complained, but I know that he got a pass because he’s a human relic. No foolin’. Had our store been packed when my young coworker Gretta decided to announce loudly that Catholic schoolgirls are "butt-sluts," much worse results.
-M
Comments