DARE-AOKE ROUND 4
Guarding Eddy - dir. Scott McKinsey - 2004 - US
This has been my favorite experience with Dare-aoke yet. Why? Because I fucking love retards. Love 'em! I’ve said before that I wish Sean Penn had himself surgically turned into a retard for the role in I Am Sam, and I mean it. I don’t like simple folk as much, country bumpkins and Forrest Gump types, but give me actors playing retards and I will be there. The Other Sister? The Other YES! I’m still waiting on that DVD release of Rosie O’ Donnell’s Riding the Bus With My Sister in which she plays a retard who...probably wants to ride on the bus with her sister. I’m sure it’s all very touching. Much like Sigourney Weaver in Snow Cake is supposed to be autistic, Brian Presley as Eddy is supposed to be autistic...among other things, which they touch on lightly in a wonderful scene of exposition. Autism, though, this is not. More like brain damaged, if anything. Severe car accident, maybe. Eddy has many moments of absolute clarity where he seems to form cognitive thought and answers his basketball playing caretaker. It’s a shame, really, as this pulled me out of the performance. That was sarcasm. He’s perhaps only seen OTHER actors playing retards instead of actual ones. He really, really appears to love Gigli. This movie results in a myriad of questions. Why can’t Eddy swallow his cereal milk without it ending up in his fake-looking beard and chest? Sure, I’ll spill a few drops maybe, but at least a little will make it down my throat. What’s up with that beard, dude? Looks like Ray Lamontagne and Sam Beam had a baby. Why can’t retards brush their teeth? Looks like he hasn’t done so for a few months, and yet nobody worries about his dental health. Why does he have to wear his pants around his chest? This guy is dressed like an 80s nerd for the entire movie, even with a wardrobe change! The whole movie centers around Eddy’s aspirations to play for The Celtics, and of course his appointed caretaker Mike has been a first round draft pick for, you guessed it, The Celtics! Unfortunately, Mike tore his ACL, and training camp is in a few days. It’s all fairly coincidental and formulaic, right? Well, on order for Mike to get Eddy’s mind off of playing for The Celtics, he has to play him one-on-one. Yep. The only way to stop a retard from dreaming is to literally beat it out of him. I love, love, love this movie. Mike early on attempts to take Eddy to his home, where he meets his white trash family – the alcoholic, abusive father and the reclusive mother – that is one gigantic trailer trash archetype. The scene truly captures the magic of bad cinema. Who better to birth a retarded stereotype, though, than trailer trash? I sure as fuck can’t think of any.
-M
Guarding Eddy - dir. Scott McKinsey - 2004 - US
This has been my favorite experience with Dare-aoke yet. Why? Because I fucking love retards. Love 'em! I’ve said before that I wish Sean Penn had himself surgically turned into a retard for the role in I Am Sam, and I mean it. I don’t like simple folk as much, country bumpkins and Forrest Gump types, but give me actors playing retards and I will be there. The Other Sister? The Other YES! I’m still waiting on that DVD release of Rosie O’ Donnell’s Riding the Bus With My Sister in which she plays a retard who...probably wants to ride on the bus with her sister. I’m sure it’s all very touching. Much like Sigourney Weaver in Snow Cake is supposed to be autistic, Brian Presley as Eddy is supposed to be autistic...among other things, which they touch on lightly in a wonderful scene of exposition. Autism, though, this is not. More like brain damaged, if anything. Severe car accident, maybe. Eddy has many moments of absolute clarity where he seems to form cognitive thought and answers his basketball playing caretaker. It’s a shame, really, as this pulled me out of the performance. That was sarcasm. He’s perhaps only seen OTHER actors playing retards instead of actual ones. He really, really appears to love Gigli. This movie results in a myriad of questions. Why can’t Eddy swallow his cereal milk without it ending up in his fake-looking beard and chest? Sure, I’ll spill a few drops maybe, but at least a little will make it down my throat. What’s up with that beard, dude? Looks like Ray Lamontagne and Sam Beam had a baby. Why can’t retards brush their teeth? Looks like he hasn’t done so for a few months, and yet nobody worries about his dental health. Why does he have to wear his pants around his chest? This guy is dressed like an 80s nerd for the entire movie, even with a wardrobe change! The whole movie centers around Eddy’s aspirations to play for The Celtics, and of course his appointed caretaker Mike has been a first round draft pick for, you guessed it, The Celtics! Unfortunately, Mike tore his ACL, and training camp is in a few days. It’s all fairly coincidental and formulaic, right? Well, on order for Mike to get Eddy’s mind off of playing for The Celtics, he has to play him one-on-one. Yep. The only way to stop a retard from dreaming is to literally beat it out of him. I love, love, love this movie. Mike early on attempts to take Eddy to his home, where he meets his white trash family – the alcoholic, abusive father and the reclusive mother – that is one gigantic trailer trash archetype. The scene truly captures the magic of bad cinema. Who better to birth a retarded stereotype, though, than trailer trash? I sure as fuck can’t think of any.
-M
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