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MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

7 Stargate (1994, dir. Roland Emmerich, US)

What a load of poop! I mean, Jesus, what a derivative, unoriginal piece of cinema that’s somehow spawned off a couple of syndicated shows. DORKS LOVE THIS SHIT. I profess myself a film geek, but I am in no way a "dork." I’ve got a modest comic collection from when I was younger, I think the Star Wars movies are decent but by no means some holy grail (and the ones Lucas didn't do are the good ones), and unless there’s some aliens in your sci-fi movie, I probably think it’s gay. The most outlandish things in here? Some aliens posing as Egyptian Gods, laser weapons, and something resembling a terminally diseased buffalo. Cool! Not really. James Spader nerds it up as some breed of genius that can decipher a long dead style of writing, and Kurt Russell just phones it in as a grieving father and military high-up sent on one last suicide mission because he’s got nothing let to live for. Oh, and a pre 3rd Rock From The Sun French Stewart plays a bullying military man. It’s THAT kind of movie. This is, along with Universal Soldier, shows Roland Emmerich’s beginning of a stellar directing career that will try to teach us lessons about genetic testing, global warming, English-speaking cavemen, and being Jewish. These are his gifts! There’s probably not a worse director working with such a continual major budget today, and I’d challenge anyone to find a comparable substitute. DO NOT say Uwe Boll. That guy may get funding for his crap, but he can barely muster up a fraction of what Emmerich gets. He just got ANOTHER disaster movie with over 100 million in costs gree lit and set up with one of the big studios. Baffling! So why do I even like this thing? Cause it’s cheese, and it’s the kind I liked when I was growing up. Fantastical trip to another land? Check. Nifty effects? Check. Amazingly boisterous soundtrack? Uber-check. And last, but certainly not least, Jaye Davidson. He/she is gorgeously alluring as the alien posing as the sun god Ra. I don't know whether to pop wood or beat the shit out of my dick for even thinking about moving. This is one of those villain roles that the right actor sinks their teeth into and turns into something else. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but it’s magic.
CHOICE CUT:
Kurt Russell - Give my regards to king tut, asshole!

8 The Wicker Man (2006, dir. Neil LaBute, US/GER)

Pure disaster, on every level. Here’s another one whose intentions appear to be to craft a real, thrilling, movie. The reasons for this British "cult classic" getting remade are well beyond my comprehension, let alone how this script for it filled with such awful dialogue, scenes, characters, and story made it to the green light. Of special, wonderful note, it’s incredible to see Nic Cage beat women. I don’t just mean he hits them – he gives them forceful kicks, and knockout punches. But what can you expect from Neil LaBute, he of one of the most intentionally misogynist films ever made, In The Company of Men. That film is uncompromisingly brutal on an emotional level, and thus became one of my personal favorites. It also put LaBute on a short list of great American filmmakers (though one could argue that writer is the better choice). He’s since gone on to make many other fine films, including another favorite that is the feminist answer to Men, The Shape of Things. In his career, there was only one tragic misstep with Gwyneth Paltrow. Then this happened. Anyone who doesn’t hold this in their "worst films of all time" list is delusional. Alternately, anyone who loves this film for all of its terribleness is a winner in my book. Nic Cage, with his hair plugs and his capped teeth, is all about the money here, turning in one of the single worst acting and career choices of all time for such a once bankable actor. It’s sad and wonderful to see a terrific performer turn into a money grubbing movie whore, reading lines with the wrong gusto and swagger, and imbuing the movie with a hyper-mysoginistic tone. Yeah, it’s LaBute, but Cage is the one selling it. It’s simultaneously the reason this thing is so fuckin’ hilarious. Double edged sword, suppose.
CHOICE CUT:
Nic Cage: STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE.
Or
Nic Cage: NO! NOT THE BEES! AGHAGHGHHHHH!

9 Last Action Hero (1993, dir. John McTiernan, US)

How awful, awful, awful I feel for owning this hunk of shit. Guess what? I even tracked down the out-of-print widescreen DVD. NERD ALERT! I’m a Shane Black completest, for one thing. If you know anything about the production, or you know Shane Black’s history with his scripts, you should know that what’s on that screen is very little Shane Black. Hell, who KNOWS how many rewrites this thing went through, probably during production, maybe even during post. I’ve heard numerous times that the original script for this by Black was an action masterpiece that would eventually get turned into a muddled mess. Years later, we’d get that action masterpiece from Black (under Renny Harlin) in the form of The Long Kiss Goodnight, but I digress. Schwarzenegger appears to be just phoning it in for large chunks, and looks terribly uncomfortable at all the tonal shifts the films goes through. One second it’s slapstick, then there’s a play on words joke, then it’s a serious action film moment, and then the kid’s driving a crane...and then there’s a heartfelt moment. McTiernan does the best he can with what he’s given to work with, which isn’t much, so we get brief moments of excitement interspersed with awfulness. I’m a McTiernan FAN, dude. I think of any American action director, he certainly has had the most amount of absolute classics under his belt. Die Hard, Predator, The Hunt For Red October, The Medicine Man. Wait, what? Oh. Well, he’s done SOME good ones. Also, is it any surprise we never saw Austin O’Brien again after this and My Girl 2? So, M, what’s Last Action Hero doing on this list. It appears as if I don’t even know. It was a disappointment in the theater (the first 5.1 surround sound film, by the way), and it’s a disappointment every time I feel like watching it again. But I keep watching it every few years. There’s something there, right?
CHOICE CUT:
John: How do you get to Carnagy Hall?
Schwarzenegger: Practice...JOHN PRACTICE, you son of a bitch!

10 Troll 2 (1990, dir. Claudio Fragasso, ITA)

Perhaps the worst piece of trash I’ve ever seen, and notably so for the director’s apparently (according to the cast) noble and pure intentions. He had no idea that he was creating what would 15 or so years later turn into some sort of cult phenomenon. It’s tough to believe that this incredibly dumb story, the bargain bin acting, and the worst dialogue could have, by someone, been turned into something even watchable. This was written by Claudio and his wife, and has no connection at all to the original Troll (which is also bad, but on a different plane of bad). They spoke very little English, and this being an Italian production with an entirely American crew...well, this ain’t Leone. This is watchable, but for all the wrong reasons. Get it? You just have to see it, I think. The best part? It’s not well known. At all. And it’s just awful in so many charming ways that it’s something you’ll love turning other friends onto. Two of the principle cast went on tour for midnight screenings which came to the Tivoli in St.Louis last summer. It was nicely filled with die hard fans, but not overflowing with those cult-ish assholes. I use that term "fan" loosely, as I can’t find it to be something people would intentionally, genuinely love. When it comes to the worst films ever, I think intention is something to factor in. Ed Wood, for whatever reason, believed he was making something good every time. I think it’s so much better and insulting when the intention is pure, but the result is horrible. Untraceable would be a fine example of this recently, a film made only for the purpose of money, and crafted with the lowest quality of thriller ingredients available. We’re talking a one draft script and a first time director, or a second unit guy on CSI or some shit. Where was I? OH! Troll 2 is hilarious, no matter how you slice it, and that’s why it’s here. Nothing, for me, beats an awful film that takes itself as seriously as it can.
CHOICE CUT:
Oh it’s nearly impossible, there are SO many. But, if I had to pick one, it would be the infamous: "You can’t spit on hospitality, I won’t allow it!"
-M