DARE-AOKE MBV3D

10 Things I Learned From My Bloody Valentine:3-D (2009/dir.Patrick Lussier/US)

My first post of the new year should certainly be one to remember. Fondly, hopefully. It’s rare that I can muster up much energy to write about bad films at length, let alone this abortion that will easily find a spot in my worst five of 2009 list. I say this comfortably over a year ahead of that list’s compiling. Okay, it can be fun to tear a movie to shreds, especially when it deserves it.

"I don’t think he liked it...", says the perceptive reader.

The plot is familiar – hometown boy disappears after surviving an underground massacre on Valentine’s day, only to return to town for an anniversary some years later as the murders start to happen again. A guessing game begins, leading to an implausible ending reminiscent of that major fuck up that ruined High Tension. Spoiler alert, OOPS (you won’t care). I was coaxed gently into seeing this at the 10pm premiere slot, though it didn’t take much prodding. A live action 3-D film is something I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing, especially not with this fancy new digital 3-D technology. It SHOULD, by all accounts, be fun at the very least. It isn’t...BUT, I didn’t come away empty handed...I came away full of wisdom!

10) The original, clearly, is a masterpiece. By contrast, of course. I’m no big fan of the Canadian "classic" import from the 80s, but it’s not so awful. Boring, really. That apparently is a tradition carried on to full extent with this remake. And no, just because your dramatic scenes are in 3-D doesn’t mean they’ll have any more life. Generally the originals are better than their remade counterparts. That would make My Bloody Valentine the Godfather of horror films. Dig that sweet poster, though.

9) Patrick Lussier is a BAD director. To say I learned this is a bit of a stretch, what with Dracula 2000 (and two sequels!) behind his name, and a wretched White Noise sequel to boot (and yes, I’ve seen all of them.) There are few directors who can do no wrong. Patrick Lussier is the complete opposite of this, as he’s done nothing BUT wrong. There’s something called "director jail" which has had a spot wide open for Mr. Lussier for a number of years now. If dude knew how to move a camera, how to direct actors, how to light a scene, how to build tension, how to avoid exposition (just ONE of these things, mind you) then perhaps some of the other faults wouldn’t be so glaring. And I know, not all of this is his problem solely, but what good are you if you can’t get any of this right? Otherwise, you’re a waste of space taking up the title of director. Sure the script is horrid, but that’s not stopped hundreds of horror films from being entertaining despite. The DP and the lighting are surely two of the most glaringly obvious faults with the look of the film, but there’s absolutely NOTHING worth looking at with so many drab, dank, dimly lit settings. And when you’re film is a visual gimmick, it’s kinda bad to fuck that up.

8) Flashlights: The Movie! Also, bad 3-D. Those bad visuals aren’t helped one bit by the only draw for this film. A couple of interesting shots and cool moments arise from time to time, but after seeing a bad film made better by the use of 3-D (Beowulf) and a good one (Bolt), it’s a bit unforgivable that there’s not anything to be said for the use of it here. Most times, the film doesn’t pop at all, and when it DOES, it’s usually in a very unappealing or awkward way. The most drab and obvious choice is to give EVERYONE a fucking flashlight. The killer wears one on his miner’s helmet, and even when entering lit rooms everyone seems to be waving one in your face. It makes sense; A) there’s always something to be in 3-D and, B) it’s going to keep the audience involved. Sadly, it’s flat. Sparks, oddly, look awesome in 3-D. They bounce out, they’re vibrant! Flashlights look like awful CG lens flares, and even when they’re coming at you feel miles away.

7) Darth Vader wouldn’t be a very good stalker. All that breathing! Silence is a virtue.

6) Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, and Jamie King are all incapable of acting. I’m not saying someone can’t capture them doing well, I’m saying that they can’t do it on their own. I further believe that Kerr Smith can’t do it either way. And it’s a good thing Jamie and Jensen are pretty people.

5) Want to set up your movie? Have your opening credits be exposition! No, really. Years of backstory, summed up into three minutes of credits. When it’s taught to hide your exposition in the film, it isn’t implied that you should do it in plain sight. It’s like playing hide and seek behind a pencil. Which would work if you’re playing with the blind.

4) Have a woman be completely nude for an uncomfortable amount of time before being murdered. Have her be mildly unattractive, too. Then build up this long scene only to do the old "blood against the wall trick." REARRRY, Patrick? You’ve shown us EVERYTHING about her, can you not actually show us what we came to see?

3) Kill a midget. And REALLY get her, too. She deserves it for being God’s little mistake.

2) Your horror movie doesn’t NEED clever kills. Wait...it does? Shit. It’s only got one. And a lot of people die.

1) January really IS the time to dump your shit. Time and time again, I wonder if maybe Hollywood will wise up and start releasing GOOD things ALL the time. Unfortunately, the only good things that have ever opened in January have been awards contenders which the major cities already got over the holidays. This will make a quick buck, and be irredeemably unwatchable on DVD, and that is all. Even with the gimmick, this thing falls flat, and I can’t imagine anyone with taste or integrity to discover any merit outside of that. I urge everyone to pretend this never existed, and don’t fall for the gimmick. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever sat through in a theater. Wait for someone with talent to get hold of the 3-D medium. Like, say, James Cameron. Or someone at Pixar.

UGH. Just about a week until my best and worst films of 2008 show up. Talk back to me, especially if you were unfortunate enough to get duped into this heap of shit too. -M