APPROPRIATE THEATER BEHAVIOR FOR THE AVERAGE FILM FAN

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT APPROPRIATE THEATER BEHAVIOR FOR THE AVERAGE FILM FAN As we begin a new year and a fresh start for the film industry to attempt to right their wrongs from the "abysmal" 2005 fiscal year, I've found something to bitch about. One of the main problems that people claim to have with the theater experience is that it's become a BAD experience as a whole, and the negative ends up outweighing the monster screens and digital sound that many home theater owners lack. Who wants to watch a movie in a packed house when they can watch it in the comfort of their own home? It seems now that it's better to wait for the DVD release in a few months than to see a film the way it was intended to be seen. I'm not one of these people that have this general problem. We have a 50"+ widescreen HDTV with a nice surround system upstairs, and downstairs I have a 32" TV with a multidisc system and surround sound for daytime viewing in the basement. Don't worry, I'm working on the TV down here. I do work at a video store, so naturally I'm able to get free rentals. Therefore, I shouldn't have to waste my time with "experiments" seeing things like "Fantastic Four" in the theater. Frankly, some of these poor films end up looking and seeming better when you watch them at home, especially when you've spared virtually no expense. However, "King Kong" will not be the same film at home, plain and simple. Another of the problems people have is the cost in general. The tickets in St.Louis aren't over $8, and that's the maximum I've seen around here. The average price appears to be $6.50 in most areas. Then a trip to the concession stand must be where the big bucks come from, right? Hmm. After seeing "The Matador" on Saturday at a 3:05 show, I began to compose a list of the common misconceptions made by the average filmgoer that're single handedly ruining the theater experience. -Okay, so you have to have your cell phone or your pager. I get that. I bring my cell phone with me, too. I put it on vibrate, as should you. Many of you do. People have actually gotten a lot better about this, I've noticed. HOWEVER, you dumb fucks, this doesn't give you the right to answer it. Granted it's not ringing, and bravo for that. Regardless, the idea is to create no distraction from what is happening on the screen. Whatever it is can wait until you get out of the theater. NO, this doesn't mean you can talk in the outskirts of the entrance to the theater either. YES, your voice echoes due to the accoustics of the building. Just because you're not in your seat doesn't mean it's okay. You may use your cellphone to do the following: check the time, check your missed calls, and to read a text message. NO, you may not respond to the text message with a five page essay, as the light from your cellphone is being powered, apparently, by the sun God, Ra. My eyes are averted? Fuck you, put it away. While seeing "Elf" I actually exploded at a lady who's phone was ringing. This was after hours of other distractions and ignorant behavior from her and her group. After the phone rang, she proceeded to pick it up. SHE PICKED IT UP! I was ready to get into a fistfight with a 50+ year old lady! This is how bad things have gotten! I made more of a scene than her phone did, but it was to prove a point. She was awfully quiet after I yelled at her. And don't think that because you're black, I won't say something. That race card thing isn't why I'm gonna bitch, it's because you're fucking rude. -Talkin'. Chattin'. I know some plots are hard to decipher. I know some twists are out of left field. I know some jokes or gags need to be discussed. I KNOOOOOOW Heath Ledger is such a hunk. But PLEASE, for the sake of the audience, leave it until after the show. Bring a notebook if you have to, write down the key notes you'd like to discuss later. Perhaps over dinner, or cocktails. What's that you say? You're talking quietly? NO, your "whisper" is NOT a soft substitute for silence...it just sounds like you talking at a different decible in some indecipherable language. "Mumumumum...mumumumum haha!...mumumumu..." "HAHAHAHAAAA...mumhmhmuhmhumhmh Denzel mhmuhmuhuhmhmh!" No...just...no. I understand you're elderly and back in your day, talkin' pictures may have meant you can talk during them. I know your mother is old and can't quite figure it out. I realize you and your girlfriends thought it was REALLY funny. But save it. Save it for later. You can be two seats away or two rows, even all the way in the back, and I can hear you just the same. If I was paying money to hear you speak, I'd shoot myself in the face and save six bucks instead. -Ruining the moment. We're watching a serious drama about two cowboys who love each other, for example. I giggled too when Bubble Boy took it in the rear. But I didn't ruin the moments of the film that were there for dramatic reasoning, no matter how comical it was to me. Nothing is more upsetting than the audience misappropriating serious moments as comical. I recall seeing "Open Range" in the theater with a row of baby boomers behind us who had to laugh at EVERYTHING. They had to make comment of how bad the film was (which it absolutely wasn't) and pulled me out of just about every great scene in the film. Folks, this is a slow burning, classic western, one that I don't know anybody disliking. Similar experience happened with "Elf," when even the unfunny moments became a laugh riot with Darnell and his family behind us. Allegedly, Darnell is going to try eating spaghetti with candy and syrup later on. I hope Darnell died from this, and/or complications from castration. If you're not feeling the movie, then LEAVE THE THEATER. You can, most often, actually get your money back as long as you're nice about it. Don't ruin shit for the people who are enjoying it simply because you have no taste. -This five course meal with a nice draught beer idea has got to fucking go. I appreciate the variety at the consession stand. Nachos, hot dogs, pretzels, popcorn and ice cold soda pop -- it's like being at the ball game! They create enticing smells! Even the candy selection, however overpriced, is generally groovy. The bag of Twizzlers just needs to be opened BEFORE the show. The problem here arises when you've got a cafeteria tray that's full of hamburgers, pizzas, taquitos, chicken fingers and fries. How about a steak, some meatloaf perhaps? What is this??? EAT AT HOME! For crissakes, you're paying $20 for the same food that you could get in better quality at McDonald's! Yeah, better quaility than McD's!!! I don't wanna have to smell your dinner for two hours, and I promise you that nobody else around you does either. Nor do we want to hear you noshing. As for the other retarded idea of offering beer and liquor...what the fuck? Theater owners know we like a quiet theater..."so let's provide obnoxious juice to our patrons!" Of all the backhanded dumb ideas, this is the worst. This doesn't count for theaters like Frontenac, Tivoli and Moolah. They're mostly considered a more expensive "art house" experience, and the crowds will be more respectful. I'm talking to Ronnie's theater, champion of all audiences rude, whose serving of beer nearly ruined my free screening of "A History Of Violence" by the hoosiers sitting in front of me who got up FIVE FUCKING TIMES for beer refills. This brings me to the next point... -You are allowed ONE, count it, ONE bathroom break during a two hour running time. ONE. None of this going out five times shit. It's terribly distracting to hear the clomp of you clogs down the steps, as you run out to pee. I can handle it once. I will often go once my damn self. This one exit can be used for everything at once if you time it right...get your snack, get your urination on, check your cell while you're at it. Usually, the multiple exit offenders are doing things other than using the restrooms, and doing it many times. Its back to the cell phone, or to visit the movie theater buffet (now with rack of lamb!) or they're children who have to do...whatever children do. Just stop. Running up the stairs, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the stairs, back up the stairs to see what somebody wants, back down the stairs, back up the stairs for money...SIT DOWN! If you want to socialize, or eat a mountain, don't go to the movie theater. You distract me. Simple as that. -Kids. Children. No. I'm talking to the black family that brings their five year old to see "Hostel." Why does it have to be black? Because I never see us crackers doing it. A, that kid isn't going to enjoy the film, let alone understand it. B, he probably shouldn't be seeing someone's hand being removed. C, if you can afford to go the the movies, you can obviously afford to get a babysitter. It's one thing when I know that I have to see the Pixar films at the latest show possible to avoid the little ones. It's another thing when I have to see a PG-13 film at an early matinee to avoid the plethora of youth. It is quite the fucking other when I have to see "Hostel" at 3:30 in the afternoon to avoid all of your dumbasses combined. Go to the mall, or stay home, depending on the size of your dumb ass. -FEET STAY ON THE GROUND! FEET STAY ON THE FUCKING GROUND! Didn't we learn this shit at a young age? Perhaps because someone isn't sitting in that seat in front of you, you believe that it's okay to hang your legs on the top of the seat, or put your feet up. Unfortunately, that's fucking rude. I'm sitting in the same row as your feet, and I can feel every single tiny movement you make. I can feel your feet hit the back of the chair at the end of the row. I can feel your nervous twitching legs bouncing, and it rocks my chair. I can hear the rivets on the bottom of your shoes scrape the top the chairs. I can also hear your knee bouncing up and down because you're antsy. IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING. You're not at home, and there is no autamen. Have some goddamn r-e-s-p-e-c-t, and find out what it means to me. -Hey, laser pointer guy, and shadow puppet man? That became lame before you were even a pull-out mistake your daddy made. Go ROT from the inside out. You may think I'm nitpicking or something. I'm not. You're likely one of the offenders. Courtesy is a RIGHT, not a privellege, when it comes to seeing a movie on the big screen. The solution is not for people like myself to stay home and wait for video because we're the ones doing the right thing. Keep going, keep complaining. -M