THIS SHIT ISN’T WORTH SHIT: THE WORST FILMS OF 2007

THIS SHIT ISN’T WORTH SHIT: THE WORST FILMS OF 2007

First things first, a word from the writer -
You may be wondering why July is the last entry on this site. Pay no attention to that...I haven’t seen anything since. OH! Except for about a hundred things, GULL-A-BELL! The real story? About a month ago, and a few months before that, I was getting sick. I have something called Crohn’s disease which is an evil, vile thing that sneaks up and attacks like a cobra (commander) on my intestinal track. It effects me physically as well as mentally, and put me in a non-writing rut. A non anything rut, really. Then said month ago I was hospitalized for a week after nearly dying from dehydration (hospital words, not mine). Good times had by all. But fear not! I have returned! On medication! Following my annual best and worst films of the year lists (this marking the third) I shall begin to post the long promised huge list I’ve been working on. Obviously I haven’t worked on it in a while, but some of it IS ready. Keep checking back. My best list should be up in about a week, and that big mystery list within a week or two. No promises, but I believe people may start reading again. Whoever that might be. Leave comments.

I seek out bad movies for inclusion on this list, you realize? I work at a video store, so free rentals are a factor. So is the internet. I tell ya, I’ve seen some wretched shit this year, and most of it, I discovered, was released in the first half of the year. What is the connection? The dumping ground until the summer is obviously to blame, but a number of these offenders were released during the summer as well. It may be an obvious list, but I only picked what truly shook me. We had a record breaking +4 billion this summer, mostly due to sequel-mania. Most of them were indeed awful but made a great deal of money. The American film-going public are still morons. I like to look on the bright side if possible, so I look to the future for redemption on many of these as the people involved certainly can, and usually have, done better. I feel as if I’m rambling, so here’s the poop.

20. Redacted

Brien De Palma is one of the greatest directors of all time, and one of my idols. It’s true he may not have found his feet until the early 70s when he began to emulate Hitchcock, but anyone with delusions that he didn’t instantly distance himself is a fool. It pains me to say that this is even less of a return to form than last year’s The Black Dahlia was, and more of an experimental project; it’s something a film student would make fresh out of school. It’s full of amateur actors, "edgy" camera/video styles, and an aimless "true" story about soldiers raping and killing a girl in Iraq. The obvious comparisons to the only major De Palma film I don’t really like, Casualties of War, are there front and center, thus feeling more like a retread or a companion that links the War on Terror to Vietnam. Only in the end did it start to make a point and affect me, but I had already been berated and bored to oblivion. This has all the realism of a high school play, and the kids have relatively the same acting chops. Perhaps Brien needs to get that Untouchables prequel off the ground before his legacy is permanently tarnished? I realize it’s a love it or hate it kinda movie, but I implore anybody to point out the merits of this amateur, naive tripe. I also implore anybody to love this. It’s terrible.

19. Shoot ‘Em Up

This piece of shit almost managed to make the best of the year list as well. It is simultaneously awful and wonderful in its blend of Looney Tunes and hyper-violence. Clive Owen kills MULTIPLE people with carrots, and that’s reason enough to see it right there. Upon a second viewing, I show no real remorse in lumping it here, though. It’s a bad movie first and foremost, and MAYBE a B-movie second simply because its badness is intentional. That simply doesn’t make it any better, though, nor does it excuse it from countless unbelievable bits and wretched effects. Every action sequence has been meticulously reconstructed from animatics, and all of them look cheap and awkward, though some are ridiculously ingenious and fun. For example, a mid air shoot out while free falling from a plane sounds like fun, but is so poorly done that it manages to wrench every bit of charm from it. Fuck it, just see it. It’s awfully wonderful. I hated it.

18. The Simpsons Movie

In the theater, The Simpsons Movie was a bit surprising. I was expecting a bit of the worst, and the shock of getting something amazingly bland and not terrible was enough to get me to enjoy myself of 80 minutes. A week later I had forgotten I had seen it, and by the time it hit video for a second viewing, I was officially at odds with the film. For every funny gag or bit there’s about ten or fifteen that fail miserably. Nukmerous polls show this under Knocked Up and Superbad as the third funniest film of the year. Did they see some print I didn’t? This is just as bad as the TV show has been since season ten. One of the ideas for a film version that was thrown around for a while was Homer running for president, which has to be better than the city being covered by a glass dome, and the family moving away for about twenty minutes. The time for a movie was around season six, and I doubt I’ve seen more than five episodes post season ten. It just feels lazy and uninspired all around, much like the show today. The writing has become parody of what the Simpsons brilliance and relevance used to be. We’ve long since passed on the torch to the ever-brilliant South Park, and I’d gladly pay to see another South Park movie five times over another raping of one of the greatest shows of all time. Insulting.

17. I Know Who Killed Me

Shit sandwich. With robotic limbs.

16. Civic Duty

Another film like Shoot ‘Em Up that could easily make both lists, but will most likely only make this one. A right-wing absurdist dream of a film is how I’d describe this fable of a man who believes his new apartment neighbor may be a terrorist. The script "cleverly" blames the media, alienation from society, and general post-911 paranoia for his twisted state of mind. What hits the screen is a mess to say the least, but in the end becomes self paradoxical and rather enjoyable. I found myself laughing at the absurdity of everything happening, but also wondering if it isn’t entirely unplausible. Peter Krause does his best with what he’s given (and don’t ignore his grounded, centerpiece-ringleader take on one of the best shows on TV, Dirty Sexy Money), but as his first piece of post-Six Feet Under work, it may be time to start looking for a new agent. Perhaps he already has judging from the new show. I hate recommending this one too, but it is a hoot and a holla, no matter how bad it is.

15. The Number 23

The film that famously made Jim Carrey relieve his agent of duty is indeed as bad as that would suggest, though no worse than most of this shit he’s done as a "serious actor." The film clumsily suggests that everything can add up to the number 23 (yes, even your birthday...figure it out somehow) one way or another. It’s all leading up to Jim finding out that HE wrote this book when he was crazy to later drive himself crazy. He had obviously forgotten this. Spoiler alert! Don’t see this, you’re only provoking Jim to keep going. Jim’s a notorious numbers fanatic, but his first mistake was getting Joel Schmacher to direct. Seriously? The guy’s made MAYBE five good films in his entire career, and I’m sure one of them isn’t easy to defend. This movie is an absolute mess, and I’d rather see Virginia Madson do her brother than slouch so low, especially right after getting an award nomination. Jim will soon voice one of the characters in Dreamworks’ Horton Hears a Who, and his next live-action film finds him going to prison and falling in love with Ewan McGregor. No Shit.

14. Ghost Rider

Nic Cage’s first appearance on the list this year is more mediocre as opposed to awful. Of all the Marvel characters to formulate a movie about, this is NOT one I would have picked. A bland character matched with an actor who appears to have lost any desire or passion for the craft will automatically equal a hunk of trash. The producers spent an extra year and all of their money trying to fix the effects of the Rider’s flaming skull face. They failed, and wasted all of their money for any action sequences. There is nothing worse than an action movie with as little action as possible matched with an actor doing (yet another) Elvis impression. Wait! Wes Bently hams it up, AND Eva Mendez further proves she’s nothing more than beauty? It DOES get worse, apparently. PLEASE, no sequel, I don’t care how much fucking money it made. Get Wesley Snipes’ crazy ass in a Black Panther flick instead, yeah?

13. War

Ingenious twist ruined by an exceedingly boring movie. Seriously, it’s as if they built the story AROUND the twist. It simply doesn’t belong. Jason Statham and Jet Li facing off against each other should be a no brainer for a solid time, but when they only fight for a measly three minutes with swords, something is very wrong. Choreographer Corey Yuen must have called in sick for the entire production. Most action occurs with guns, and it’s shitty action at that. In happier news, The Transporter 3 is in the pipes and Jet Li and Jackie Chan’s first film together, The Forbidden Kingdom, opens early next year. It features choreography by Yuen Woo-Ping, so here’s hoping we actually get to see them fight a little more substantially.

12. The Hills Have Eyes 2 and The Last Mimzy

Instead of telling you how bad either of these are (and they are), I shall describe a true scenario that occurred. A woman is raped, and gives graphic birth to a mutant baby in front of your eyes (only to be bludgened to death) in the opening moments of The Hills Have Eyes 2. This accidently played instead of The Last Mimzy to a opening day screening of families in Suffolk, VA. At what point did they notice?

11. Because I Said So and Georgia Rule

When it was brought to my friend’s attention that Because I Said So hadn’t made my worst list, he was stunned. He was adamant that I hated this movie. I did. I hated it a lot. So did everyone else besides a few lonely, stupid women out there. I wasn’t expecting anything from it, and therefore it just hit me with a "meh." The same can be said for Georgia Rule, though I do believe that less people enjoyed it to Because I Said So...though that is a bit like comparing c-section scars on fat women; none of them will be GOOD. Diane Keaton may have been cute in her early work, but I pretty much loathe Something’s Gotta Give, and I can’t think of anything I’ve seen her in that isn’t Coppolla or Allen related that I’ve enjoyed her in. She’s just annoying! Am I alone on this?? There’s probably something else she’s good in, but it doesn’t stand out. She has been reduced to a bumbling, antic-y, moron of a mother. She’s a overbearing cunt, and one only need see her driving a car and getting into an accident to see what this piece of shit is all about. As for Georgia, it’s almost non-existent in my mind. Lohan is playing herself, essentially, and the rest of the movie is a blur. Gary Marshall has lost touch with reality. It’s as bad as I expected, and I’d much rather put it out of memory where it currently resides than give it the honor of a higher rating. Fuck both of these Lifetime/Oxygen/Cunt Network rejects. Thank the sweet lord for Waitress, as Hollywood barely gives women a chance to redeem themselves.

10. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

I now pronounce you not funny. I managed to find a few laughs, and none of them were from the leads. Problem? You call it. Kevin James is a funny comedian who is trapped doing lousy work. Let the man be funny, dammit! I’ve laughed at his stand up, why don’t I laugh at him in movies? I think I laughed at one of his DELETED SCENES from the film where he did a little improv. More of that, yeah? As for Sandler, may I suggest Happy Gilmore 2? Return to the funny roots, guy. Less of this stupid shit. This movie is insulting, though I don’t know if it’s to homosexuals or the millions who paid to see it. This script was hopping around for a number of years, likely in better shape than its current edition. Hell, hopefully. James is soon hopping into Hitch co-star Will Smith’s production of some family-horror thing called Monster Hunter, and Sandler will try his hand at the golden touch of Judd Apatow in next year’s crappy looking You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. Apatow will hit a string of duds (beginning with Walk Hard) only to redeem himself in August with David Gordon Green’s supposedly brilliant, Midnight Run-ish The Pineapple Express. See? I got so off topic on this because I literally had nothing to say about Chuck and Larry. It’s fucking dumb. It’s for dumb people. I hate you all.

09. The Reaping

Hilary Swank is smarter than most Oscar winners. She takes the paychecks for things like Freedom Writers, The Black Dahlia, P.S. I Love You, and this thing right here, while the getting’s good. She doesn’t squander or Catwoman it up, she picks projects that turn profits. Yeah, I’m sure this has made back money on DVD. For a two time Oscar winner, does anyone KNOW who she is? She’s not a household name. Hell, I’d wager that more people would recognize co-star Gerard Butler’s name over hers. That’s sad. That’s also the reason she’s nowhere to be found on this admittedly awesome cover for The Reaping. It’s wonder-child Anna Sophia Robb from Bridge To Terebithia covered in snakes. Turns out she’s been killing a town with biblical funk, and Swank debunks religious miracles along with Stringer Bell. What is for most of its running time a sub-par effort (as are all of the Dark Castle productions) turns into an awful event with its ending. I won’t ruin it here, it must be seen to be believed. I simply won’t ruin it. For that alone, it makes this list.

08. Next

Nic Cage returns! Cross-dressing director Lee Tamahori may be better off hooking than directing, because this is one terrible movie. Maybe not on the level of Neil Labute’s The Wicker Man, mind you, but close. I could go into the odd and much younger love interest of Jessica Biel (also a duel offender this year!) For Nic, or Julianne Moore’s continuing picture deal (and career killing) contract with Sony Pictures. I could mention how many plot holes abound in this thing, and how absolutely ridiculously bad the effects are throughout (they look like they stopped at the pre-vis phase), and the ending in which Nic knows where all the bad guys will be shooting from and points them out to the police. It’s just wretched throughout. Do be sure to check it out.
07. Halloween

Fuck you, Rob Zombie.

06. 30 Days of Night

David Slade directed last years worst list featured Hard Candy, and has now gone onto this. He’s not off to a good start, yeah? The problem is not the look of his films, which are both decently shot if a bit too hyper edited. The problem is his disconnection from reality, and thus his connection with his actors. Ellen Page (so brilliant in this year’s Juno) never quite managed to pull me into herself in Candy, though I recognized how good she was, and the same could be said for Patrick Wilson, who later in the year I would learn is indeed great in Little Children. With 30 Days of Night you get Josh Hartnett playing...well, Josh Hartnett. The characters are so thinly drawn and Slade directs his actors so poorly that even a good premise is wasted with a careless film. I had no desire to see who survived this vampire assault that alledgedly lasts’s thirty days... but feels like a weekend, maybe. There’s no concept of time, and that’s due to the absolutely dreadful pacing of the script. It makes paint drying look and sound riveting, and this has a fair deal of gore! The creatures are sorta cool, and their speaking their own language was clever, but its not enough to save how completely boring and listless this movie is. As my Netflix note said, it’s the height of tedious. Action horror flicks, specifically survivor stories, are some of my very favorite guilty pleasures. I’ve found one that certainly won’t make the list. It did make another one, however.

05. Spider-Man 3

I said all I could in my review earlier in the summer, right? Having seen the movie again, I can confirm that this is a sloppy, sloppy letdown that’s completely destroyed by a rush-job second half that can be picked apart piece by piece. In fact, I did it while I was watching it. The awful butler moment is bad enough to ruin any movie, and one with this many problems is absolutely killed by a gaping hole like this. The blooper reel on the disc confirms that picking an extra like the Butler to suddenly become a character and deliver a monologue is about the dumbest fucking thing ever. Recast him! Would ANYBODY know? It’s also absurd that one boy could have any desire to stick with anorexic, whiney Kirsten Dunst instead of jumping to greener pastures like Bryce Dallas Howard. It does boast some awesome effects (at record setting costs), specifically the mega-Sandman at the ending, but fan favorite Venom is completely wasted and misunderstood by Raimi and company (Topher fucking Grace?), and is poorly animated to boot. Coming off the heals of the fairly awesome Spider-Man 2, this just looks lazy, and one can hope that if they do continue the series (and they will), that an entirely new team is brought in to revamp it, much like they have with Batman. Spidey’s already had its Batman Forever, let’s not let his have his Batman and Robin too, huh? Most expensive film of all time, and easily one of the biggest letdowns of the past decade.

04. Snow Cake

This was a very, very late addition, and only because I was urged by my good friend that this would undoubtedly make my worst list as it did his. He was absolutely correct, though a part of me did end up loving it. Three hate-love affairs on one list! This is a truly wretched movie from the director of the Canadian thriller My Little Eye, which I have a nice sized distaste for. In it, Alan Rickman makes you forget all the wonderful work he’s done in his career to visit and get pulled into the world of Sigourney Weaver. Rickman was giving a lift to Weaver’s daughter when they were hit (and the girl killed) by a truck driver. Rickman goes to give sympathy. Decent enough premise, right? You’d think he’d fall in love with her, and it’s be Bounce like, right? The kicker is that Weaver’s character is autistic, and Weaver plays it as if she’s in Gigli, just making up her disease as she goes. I’m convinced that she has no idea what autism is any more than I do. Point is: I’ve seen autistic – this is not it. No film made me laugh for TWENTY GODDAMN SOLID MINUTES (uncontrollably!) over one scene of Weaver making alarm noises when Rickman goes into some room he’s not supposed to. I laughed out loud at numerous other moments, and whether this portrayal of autism is accurate or not, there is no denying the funny here. I dare you not to see this and not laugh. On top of this, there’s the fact that this is dreadfully written (see the Scrabble scene) and just as poorly directed as his other films have been. My recommendation as comedy of the year for this gem has been solidified, and also one of the very worst. See it for Alan Rickman running like a girl.

03. 300

In theory, this would be my number one. Given how incredible the trailer was, this was a complete let down on every level...but the fact remains that I actually saw worse. I bought the two-disc edition of this in hopes that I was wrong in the theater. After all, a good majority of the public seemed to think this was the second coming of Jesus or something, and I love wasting money. It isn’t good. It’s a piece of shit. Notice how nobody talks about 300 anymore, as if it’s some embarrassing moment they’d like to forget. Peeing or pooping their pants is comparable. Notice how the writers/directors of Epic and Date Movie are making a parody called Meet the Spartans? This was nothing more than a flash in the pants fad. A soulless, drab, empty shell of a movie laced with flaccid, slow-down fight sequences and Grace Jones’ sister as King Xerces. For those who claim this to be non-stop action, do note that the first battle doesn’t arrive until nearly an hour into the film, and remember how bored you are every time they cut back to the Queen for "pacing." In all fairness, I have no real thoughts on Frank Miller’s story like I did with Sin City. Sin City was an incredibly good time, and I credit that as much to a visionary like Robert Rodriguez. Zac Snyder, not so much the visionary. I have much higher hopes for Snyder’s adaptation of Alan Moore’s Watchmen, due this year. I’m convinced that Snyder’s heart was in the right place with 300, but he had no grasp of scope or pacing. Better source material could help alleviate that, and Watchmen is one of the greatest graphic novels ever put to page. It certainly couldn’t be any worse, right?

02. Epic Movie

Who gave money to these guys AGAIN? Was Date Movie not enough punishment? I do believe this is less funny than a root canal, which is only slightly less funny than Date Movie. Above I mentioned that Sony has given them money to make Meet the Spartans. Why? Because morons pay to see these. DOWNLOAD THEM! It’s not worth your money! Let your curiosity run wild for free, but please stop giving these hack jobs money. You’re the reason the writers strike is happening. What does that even mean? Who cares, it’s like a joke in this thing. Epic and Date both managed to include parodies which weren’t even in their genre of choice for said film. Even worse, their idea of parody is putting Borat in Narnia. They don’t have to make fun of the character, but more pay homage to them by sheer inclusion. Captain Jack Sparrow and Magneto meet! Cute! Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker would be rolling in their graves if they were dead, and Zucker’s own hit or miss Scary Movie 3 and 4 look like gut busters by comparison. Hell, I’d rather see The Comebacks than another movie from these guys. That’s desperation.

01. Norbit

Last, but certainly least, Eddie Murphey’s side-splitter. I’ve literally shit things out which are funnier than this movie’s entire running time. The fact that this is the worst reviewed film of the year guarantees how awful it is, and no convincing from me can do otherwise. The top pick on a worst list should be the absolute worst, and this is by far the worst thing to not only see a release in theaters in 2007, but also to make MONEY while in release. We all know Eddie fucked up his Oscar by tainting any hope for redemption he had with this, and it’s only fitting that the award would go to an older, wiser gentleman. Getting paid or not, Eddie (and co-writer Charlie) should be absolutely ashamed for turning this thing out. I was ashamed that I wasted time with it, so should they be. It made The Klumps: The Nutty Professor 2 look like a method acting masterpiece, and something we could dissect the merits of in a "History of Film" class. Fuck this movie, and fuck you if you watched it, too.

JUST MISSED THE MARK:
Music and Lyrics
Hi! We have no chemistry! We’re like brother and sister! Love us! After the wonderful opening 80s parody video, I sat through countless other minutes of charmless crap.

Premonition
This movie gets lost in itself with a completely convoluted script and events that simply don’t make sense.

Perfect Stranger
Halle Berry continues to give you reasons as to why she never deserved an Oscar for making her "feel good."

Rush Hour 3
This movie fucking hates you. It stole your dough.
Hey! Must be the mon-ay! - Nelly

Evan Almighty
There’s a reason comedies should never be expensive...THEY’RE FUCKING COMEDIES. FUNNY DON’T COST MONEY. Most expensive "comedy" of all time, right here, and there’s not a laugh in sight for this preachy, religious crap.

I CAN’T EVEN WRITE ABOUT THESE:
Stardust, Pathfinder, Hitman, Wild Hogs, Hannibal Rising, Bee Movie, Lucky You, The Invasion, Resident Evil: Extinction, I Think I Love My Wife, Primevil, Kickin’ It Old School.

DIDN'T WITNESS THESE BUT I'M ASSURED THEY'RE TERRIBLE:

Southland Tales, Codename: The Cleaner, The Golden Compass, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Delta Farce, Daddy Day Camp, The Comebacks, Mr. Woodcock, Good Luck Chuck, Are We Done Yet, This Christmas, Fred Clause, The Gameplan, Why Did I Get Married, Lions For Lambs, Rendition, In The Valley of Ellah, Dragon Wars

And that’s all! I may wait to see the only films I haven’t had a chance to see which could possibly make the best list, There Will Be Blood and The Lives of Others. Yes, I’m sleeping on The Lives of Others, I own it, but Blood is opening on the 18th. Will I wait? If so, look for the list the 19th or 20th, if not before.
-M