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MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

2 10 Things I Hate About You (1999, dir. Gil Junger, US)

This is IT -- the film that helped launched three major careers: Joseph-Gordon Levitt, Heath Ledger, and that bland-oid Julia Styles. Two out of three ain’t bad. Part of the "let’s modernize Shakespere" fad, this PG-13 teen romp is the kind of which there hadn’t been since the 80s. Offensive, loud, boisterous, and actually funny some of the time. Of course, this same magical year brought us American Pie, which would trump it in terms of sheer shock value (though is piss poor by comparison). So what we’re left with is a forgettable, bland adaptation/modernization of Shakespeare that is a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. There’s a market for this, I get it. I’m not that market. Now I wouldn’t tell someone they had bad taste for liking this, but I’m ashamed to like it on a personal level. I can only take so much romantic schmaltz before I realize I’m single and violently turn on the thing. That scene at the end, with Julia Styles and the poem? Fucking repulsively emotional. It’s cute, though. On a side note, my mom and I decided immediately while watching that Heath should play Mel Gibson’s son. His next role? The Patriot. Coincidence? Bitches and snitches be spying, mo likely. He’s dead now, though. And I didn’t suggest him for The Joker.

CHOICE CUT
David Krumholtz: I’ve got a dick on my face, don’t I?

3 Amazon Women On The Moon (1987, dir. Various, US)

This is a really fucking stupid movie. It’s the spiritual successor to Zucker/Abraham/Landis’ classic Kentucky Fried Movie, which is basically random shorts edited together like some sort of surreal Saturday Night Live on premium cable. While Kentucky is filled with laughs, Amazon is missing the Zucker and Abraham components, which have been replaced with the likes of Joe Dante and Robert K.Weiss. Not exactly a fair trade. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Dante...but this was the beginning of his downfall, if it hadn’t already began. Amazon, nonetheless, is inspired in its often un-funny weirdness that they attempt to string together as a really, really bad night of TV viewing, full of technical problems. At its core is a loose parody of Nude on the Moon, a 60s film that made good on its promise by posing the implausible premise of a crew of astronauts crash landing on the moon, and subsequently being surrounded by an endless supply of topless, Amazonian women. In Amazon, they aren’t nude, so you can guess how much fun that is. The real highlights of the flick are the commercials and programs which are used to fill the time when the movie fucks up. My favorites of the bunch include a Friar’s club roast/funeral, and Arsenio Hall’s slapstick, tour de force performance in John Landis’ bizarre, short segment, Mondo Condo.

CHOICE CUT
Arsenio Hall: AIN’T NO FUCKIN’ SELMA LIVE HERE, MAN!

4 The Shadow (1994, dir. Russell Mulcahey, US)

Of all the superhero films you have to choose from, you probably wouldn’t pick The Shadow as the one you remember from your childhood the most fondly. Oh, but I do. Do you KNOW how awesome this movie is? Were you aware that it’s primarily a dark comedy? It’s no wonder this thing wasn’t a big success, nor is it very well remembered today. It’s probably the strangest adaptation of a pulp hero you can possibly imagine, and that’s saying something. It doesn’t hurt that it’s got the gorgeous Penelope Anne Miller, and the dreamy Alec Baldwin to carry the bulk of the material. The script itself is often witty and hilarious, and intentionally so! The effects are, usually, awful, and unlike other movies of the era don’t appear to age particularly well. Mulcahey’s direction is inspired and yet also quite foolish, finding a tone that doesn’t quite know wether to take itself as a serious action film or a weird comic lampoon. Kinda like his Highlander, only more intentional comedy. Who at the studio watched a rough cut of this and decided to release it in this form? It’s an absolute mess! They would never, ever make something like this today, and it’s a fluke it was ever made in the first place. So do yourself a favor and relish it as I do. It’s a gem.

CHOICE CUT
Margo Lane: Oh, God I dreamed.

Lamont Cranston: So did I. What did you dream?

Margo Lane: I was lying naked on a beach in the South Seas. The tide was coming up to my toes. The sun was beating down. My skin hot and cool at the same time. It was wonderful. What was yours?

Lamont Cranston: I dreamed I tore all the skin off my face and was somebody else underneath. Margo Lane: You have problems.

Lamont Cranston: I'm aware of that.

5 Casper (1995, dir. Brad Silberling, US)

The DVD release of this was a happy day. I hadn’t seen Casper in a number of years, and was looking forward to revisiting my late childhood. I rushed out to purchase in the morning, as this was before I realized I could visit Wal Mart at midnight to pick things up with the weirdos. The verdict was in about two hours later, and it was not pleasant. I liked it, but I had no idea why, because it’s a piece of shit. Cathy Moriarty delivers one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen, and she’s delivered quite a few to compete with it. Don’t even get me started on that dreamy, boring Devon Sawa, who post-Final Destination has disappeared to the direct to video netherworld. Honestly, did ANYBODY have fond memories of the friendly ghost when they were a child? FRIENDLY ghost? How interesting is that? I don’t think I ever watched the cartoon, did you? Hell, the only reason anybody knows Casper so well is because of Halloween costumes. So technically, they’ve made a film from a Halloween costume. I’m sure they’ve made films on a flimsier idea (hi, Night at the Roxbury). So what’s my appeal here? I think I’m still drawn in by Christina Ricci’s transformation from gothic pre-teen to angsty-cute-girl. It had only been a few years since Addam’s Family Values, and I suppose I had a crush on her. Some part of me still does, but mostly in THIS era. Does that make me a pedophile? I mean, we were around the same age THEN. I suppose since I’ve seen her naked today it makes it okay, right?

CHOICE CUT:
Casper: Can I keep you?

6 Naked Killer (1992, dir. Clarence Fok Yiu-leung, HK)

Wong Jing is the Chinese equivalent of Roger Corman. His productions are always low budget affairs, they’re predominantly awful, and they’re usually offensive to someone. I’m not talking Da Vinici code offensive, here – I recall plenty of AIDS jokes in his films. That might just be an imagination on my part, but I’m sure that every one of his films contains something tremendoulsy offensive. Of his films, though, this is the only one I’m happy to have...for this is the only one that has a man eating a severed penis. Yep, his meat disappears somehow from his bun, and a severed cock that was glued with blood to the ceiling falls into place. He eats it. The rest of the movie is a blur beyond that, every time. It remains the only film I’ve seen this in, and will likely remain that way.

CHOICE CUT:
The dialogue is awful, and it’s poorly subtitled, or dubbed...but the tagline IMDB gives is beyond brilliant:
"There Are Two Things On Their Minds... One's Killing!"

See you soon for more.

-M