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MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

10 The Hulk (2003, dir. Ang Lee, US)

Ang Lee’s introspective, psychological Hulk is not a popular choice for anything. Occasionally you’ll find a fan of the movie, though that’s like a bigfoot sighting – people simply won’t believe you. It’s entirely too long, and Nick Nolte is on some other planet, working independently from everybody else in the film. Fuckin’ Ang Lee was too busy counting his money to notice, I think, like that Gus Van Sant scene from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Even with Munich and Troy (which is actually quite good in director's cut form) under his belt, the wonderfully talented Eric Bana (see Chopper, change your life) simply isn’t a name yet, and that’s partially due to this, I think. Every time you see his face, you instantly think of The Hulk. What? OH! Nobody else does that? Seriously, the only reason I think I like this is the Hulk fighting radioactive dogs sequence, which is far too darkly lit to even be decipherable half the time. There’s also some lovely mayhem in the desert and San Fransisco that does it for me. I think I just like the idea of the Hulk as opposed to the actual movie. I believe I’ve watched this once since buying it. I doubt this year's The Incredible Hulk, now with Edward Norton and directed by the excellently dumb Transporter 2's Louis Leterrier, will be quite so dull, but it looks just as mediocre.
CHOICE CUT:
Father - Stop your bawling, you weak little speck of human trash! (this just sounds like a poor Anime dubbed line, doesn't it?)

11 The Relic (1997, dir. Peter Hyams, US)

I remember I used to have a friend whose main complaint about this movie was that the creature changed size too much. I didn’t realize at the time, for some reason, that it’s part of the story that the monster keeps growing. This dude was an idiot, but wasn’t I the bigger idiot for not correcting him? This movie probably wouldn’t be worth an argument, though. Monster movies are a soft spot for me, and though this is about as low as they get for a bigger budget affair, the monster is totally awesome, the sets are great, and it’s starring my beloved Penelope Ann Miller. Between this, my personal favorite Carlito’s Way, and the ever brilliant The Shadow, I developed a mega crush on this snaggle-toothed beauty. There’s just something about this girl! I have no idea what it is. In The Shadow, she gets moments to seduce, and in Carlito she’s essentially the perfect woman who will forgive you for your flaws and mistakes and strip for you. God bless that. Anyway, The Relic isn’t very good, nor is Penelope particularly alluring, but it did boast, in the theater, some of the best jump scares I had seen at the time. Mind you, this is when I was a teen, but some of them still work pretty well today. Peter Hyams is one of those go-to director guys since the 80s, for solid, marketable, and modestly profitable features, and does the same thing here. The script is full of clever one-liners that are quite out of place, muddling this grim tone with some comic moments, and this story (based on the novel) feels like it’s been tragically toned down into something dumber. It’s certainly dumb, but it’s a lot of fun too. Monster in an art museum is a great concept, and fuck Ben Stiller and company for ruining that idea.
CHOICE CUT:
Dr. Zwiezic - Seven decapitations in one week. Don’t you hate killers who take head and never give it?

12 Tales From The Crypt Presents: Demon Knight (1995, dir. Ernest R. Dickerson and Gilbert Adler, US)

For the record, this is the only Tales From The Crypt movie that actually matters. We can ignore Bordello Of Blood, and I don’t believe that anybody realizes there was a third one, Ritual, that was promptly shelved by Dimension only to see a DVD release in 2006. Neither one of them will taint how perfect this movie is, proudly walking the line between great and terrible (much like the show did). The story revolves around William Sadler who’s on the run from Billy Zane. Sadler carries an ancient relic with the blood of Christ, and he is a demon slayer that’s well over 100 years old. Zane is a wacky, sinister "demon-god" of sorts, a man that has way too many amusing things to say, and seduces his way into people’s souls. Much like Stargate, here’s another one of those villain roles that turns into something much more in the right hands, though in a different way. This is probably one of the only times Zane has been quite so charming, and he’s hamming it up like nobody’s business, stealing each scene he's featured in, and ultimately the entire movie. This was also my first experience with Jada Pinkett (pre-Smith), as a sassy, tough anti-hero at the center of the movie. Likewise with Zane, she’s never been nearly as watchable and compelling as she is here, and I'm in no way a fan of hers (I got to meet her when her metal band opened for somebody a few years ago, and that still didn't get me on her side). Throw in some great gore, super practical effects, CCH Pounder (easily one of the most underrated actresses on the planet, see The Shield for evidence) and the truly awesome Thomas Hayden Church as the ultimate asshole, and you have a lovely way to spend 90 minutes.
CHOICE CUT:
The Collector: HUMANS... You're not worth the flesh you're printed on...Fuck this cowboy shit! You fucking ho-dunk, po-dunk, well then there motherfuckers! All you had to do was give me the goddamn key! Then we could get on with our lives.

-M