MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES
A romantic sports movie. As a manly guy, that just sounds watchable because it deals with sports. It’s ideal for a girl because it mixes sports with that sappy, fairy tale shit they love. Just look at that poster, it looks as if he's TOTALLY going to cross check her into the boards, and she's gonna punch/mount him! However, when the sport is pair figure skating, all bets are off as to if this is even FOR men. Well, let me just say that I am totally gay for this movie. DB Sweeny and Moira Kelly have a wonderful chemistry together, playing off of the "from different worlds" storyline. It of course focuses on a gruff hockey player who is talked into competitive skating, and paired with a rich-bitch who can’t keep a partner. This is the prototypical buddy cop movie idea too, right? The story hits every single beat, and you see them coming a mile away. The "will they/won’t they" moments, the fight, the make-up, and of course when they pull it together on the ice, it’s magic! Also, John Locke as the rich daddy. It isn’t a very good movie, but it’s one I watched repeatedly growing up, for some reason. It’s got some funny moments still, and the characters become a little more two dimensional as the thing goes on. I think I had a thing for Ms.Kelly, too. Sony’s released two straight to video sequels that follows the same formula. I won’t go near those. I’m ashamed enough to like this one, there’s no need for me to pick up further baggage. As a side note, this was Tony Gilroy’s (Bourne films, Michael Clayton) first script to get made, and that may provide a little more insight into why I like it. He’s a great writer NOW.
CHOICE CUT:
Moira Kelly - Toooooooooooooee piiiiiiiiiick.
14 The Wedding Planner (2001, dir. Adam Shankman, US)
And here’s yet another reason to question my sexuality. The romantic comedy is weak enough, but now we have this sub-genre of the WEDDING romantic comedy. My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Date, 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, etc. These are, first and foremost, the same movie over and over with minor tweaks and different actors. This, for me, is the best of the bunch. It’s not any different from the others, really, but there’s just something about it that charms me. It might be Matthew Mcaughnahy’s southern "appeal", it might be Jennifer Lopez (the only thing besides Out Of Sight she’s good in) being so cute, or it might be that Judy Greer stealing the show. I love Greer, really. She's too cute, but it should be noted that Greer has played virtually the same character in everything she’s in -- that sassy best friend who's a bit off. In fact, she’s also in 27 Dresses as Katherine Heigl’s sister. This was done by Adam Shankman, who may have managed to surprise some people with last year’s better-than-average Hairspray musical, does nothing to surprise anyone here. This is as bland as they get, too, and much like The Cutting Edge hits every single traditional romantic comedy beat imaginable. Whatever. It's better than it has any right to be.
15 Poultrygeist (2006, dir. Lloyd Kaufman, US)
Oh that sweet, sweet Troma. I just saw this last week and it instantly raised in the ranks to one of the best-worst movies I’ve ever bared witness to. Folks, there is a man dying from a zombie anal fisting in the first five minutes. If this in any way turns you off, then this isn’t the movie for you. Explosive bowels, gallons of blood and a broom-dick replacement will follow. I feel bad, though, cause Lloyd Kaufman actually makes some genuinely funny films which some people just won’t get. Troma is the definition of cult, and is the one exception to the rule that you can’t knowingly create a cult classic, as Kaufman’s been doing it his whole fucking career. The Toxic Avenger has some really funny bits. Hell, it spawned a fucking cartoon (which is infinitely wrong, yet I think I owned the toys). Troma films are a different kind of B-movie all their own, or at least Kaufman’s are. No budget filmmaking with a lot of heart is what some would call it. They have their own rhythm and style, they manage to find a way to offend EVERYONE (my favorite in this is an Arabic woman named Hummus), and they’re often really quick witted and fast paced when it comes to dialogue. Mel Brooks and Woody Allen get demented! To add to that, this one is a musical with some rather catchy tunes. Unfortunately for the masses, these songs are full of some...odd lyrics . Oh, and the film is extremely gruesome. EXTREMELY. Shockingly so. It’s not an easy thing to say this is the most repulsive of all of Troma’s catalogue (Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie are tough to beat!), but that may indeed be true. I think it uses every bodily fluid in existence, at one point of another, as a projectile. And it’s about a chicken restaurant built on an Indian burial ground that somehow causes people to become chicken zombies. Look, either you’ll like it or you won’t, but it’s brilliantly awful. And great. It’s getting some theatrical love right now somewhere in the country, and Entertainment Weekly recently did a full page, rather glowing review of said theatrical release. It should be on DVD this year, but the internet is a wonderful thing if all else fails.
CHOICE CUT:
I’m taking one from IMDB. Not my favorite, but it’s what they have up, and it’s pretty good regardless.
Arbie - They are very slowly approaching the entrance!
In English, it’s pretty shit. As highlights, Albert Finney is good, the music's alright, and Carol Burnett is just devouring the scenery. But in Spanish? It’s magic. I thank the doldrums of working at a video store for this. Added fun? Subtitle it in Korean for total disorientation.
CHOICE CUT:
Uh, it’s obviously that musical number we all love, "Manana."
13 The Cutting Edge (1992, dir. Paul Michael Glaser, US)
A romantic sports movie. As a manly guy, that just sounds watchable because it deals with sports. It’s ideal for a girl because it mixes sports with that sappy, fairy tale shit they love. Just look at that poster, it looks as if he's TOTALLY going to cross check her into the boards, and she's gonna punch/mount him! However, when the sport is pair figure skating, all bets are off as to if this is even FOR men. Well, let me just say that I am totally gay for this movie. DB Sweeny and Moira Kelly have a wonderful chemistry together, playing off of the "from different worlds" storyline. It of course focuses on a gruff hockey player who is talked into competitive skating, and paired with a rich-bitch who can’t keep a partner. This is the prototypical buddy cop movie idea too, right? The story hits every single beat, and you see them coming a mile away. The "will they/won’t they" moments, the fight, the make-up, and of course when they pull it together on the ice, it’s magic! Also, John Locke as the rich daddy. It isn’t a very good movie, but it’s one I watched repeatedly growing up, for some reason. It’s got some funny moments still, and the characters become a little more two dimensional as the thing goes on. I think I had a thing for Ms.Kelly, too. Sony’s released two straight to video sequels that follows the same formula. I won’t go near those. I’m ashamed enough to like this one, there’s no need for me to pick up further baggage. As a side note, this was Tony Gilroy’s (Bourne films, Michael Clayton) first script to get made, and that may provide a little more insight into why I like it. He’s a great writer NOW.
CHOICE CUT:
Moira Kelly - Toooooooooooooee piiiiiiiiiick.
14 The Wedding Planner (2001, dir. Adam Shankman, US)
And here’s yet another reason to question my sexuality. The romantic comedy is weak enough, but now we have this sub-genre of the WEDDING romantic comedy. My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Date, 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, etc. These are, first and foremost, the same movie over and over with minor tweaks and different actors. This, for me, is the best of the bunch. It’s not any different from the others, really, but there’s just something about it that charms me. It might be Matthew Mcaughnahy’s southern "appeal", it might be Jennifer Lopez (the only thing besides Out Of Sight she’s good in) being so cute, or it might be that Judy Greer stealing the show. I love Greer, really. She's too cute, but it should be noted that Greer has played virtually the same character in everything she’s in -- that sassy best friend who's a bit off. In fact, she’s also in 27 Dresses as Katherine Heigl’s sister. This was done by Adam Shankman, who may have managed to surprise some people with last year’s better-than-average Hairspray musical, does nothing to surprise anyone here. This is as bland as they get, too, and much like The Cutting Edge hits every single traditional romantic comedy beat imaginable. Whatever. It's better than it has any right to be.
CHOICE CUT:
Mary - Y'know, "those who can't do, teach"? Well those who can't wed, plan.
15 Poultrygeist (2006, dir. Lloyd Kaufman, US)
Oh that sweet, sweet Troma. I just saw this last week and it instantly raised in the ranks to one of the best-worst movies I’ve ever bared witness to. Folks, there is a man dying from a zombie anal fisting in the first five minutes. If this in any way turns you off, then this isn’t the movie for you. Explosive bowels, gallons of blood and a broom-dick replacement will follow. I feel bad, though, cause Lloyd Kaufman actually makes some genuinely funny films which some people just won’t get. Troma is the definition of cult, and is the one exception to the rule that you can’t knowingly create a cult classic, as Kaufman’s been doing it his whole fucking career. The Toxic Avenger has some really funny bits. Hell, it spawned a fucking cartoon (which is infinitely wrong, yet I think I owned the toys). Troma films are a different kind of B-movie all their own, or at least Kaufman’s are. No budget filmmaking with a lot of heart is what some would call it. They have their own rhythm and style, they manage to find a way to offend EVERYONE (my favorite in this is an Arabic woman named Hummus), and they’re often really quick witted and fast paced when it comes to dialogue. Mel Brooks and Woody Allen get demented! To add to that, this one is a musical with some rather catchy tunes. Unfortunately for the masses, these songs are full of some...odd lyrics . Oh, and the film is extremely gruesome. EXTREMELY. Shockingly so. It’s not an easy thing to say this is the most repulsive of all of Troma’s catalogue (Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie are tough to beat!), but that may indeed be true. I think it uses every bodily fluid in existence, at one point of another, as a projectile. And it’s about a chicken restaurant built on an Indian burial ground that somehow causes people to become chicken zombies. Look, either you’ll like it or you won’t, but it’s brilliantly awful. And great. It’s getting some theatrical love right now somewhere in the country, and Entertainment Weekly recently did a full page, rather glowing review of said theatrical release. It should be on DVD this year, but the internet is a wonderful thing if all else fails.
CHOICE CUT:
I’m taking one from IMDB. Not my favorite, but it’s what they have up, and it’s pretty good regardless.
Arbie - They are very slowly approaching the entrance!
Micki - They'll break through faster than the five minutes it took me to turn Wendy into a full blown lesbian!
Arbie - Damn it! Well we need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!
16 Annie (1982, dir. John Huston, US)
In English, it’s pretty shit. As highlights, Albert Finney is good, the music's alright, and Carol Burnett is just devouring the scenery. But in Spanish? It’s magic. I thank the doldrums of working at a video store for this. Added fun? Subtitle it in Korean for total disorientation.
CHOICE CUT:
Uh, it’s obviously that musical number we all love, "Manana."
17 Meet The Feebles (1989, dir. Peter Jackson, NZ)
Peter Jackson, before all those Rings and Oscars, was a schlock master. He dabbled with zombies in Dead Alive, aliens in Bad Taste, ghosts in The Frighteners, and delusional lesbian lovers/killers in Heavenly Creatures (though decidedly pretty unschlocky). None of them can come close to puppets behaving badly in Feebles. While by no means is Feebles his best creation, it’s certainly the most original. It takes from the groundwork for the Muppets, focusing on their attempts to make an entertainment variety show. The only thing is that when the cameras don’t roll, these puppets are filthy. They fuck, they intoxicate, and they kill. They’re just like us! One films porn, the other fights (not really) his addiction to heroin and his penchant for Vietnam flashbacks, and the showrunning seal cheats on his hippo wife with a siamese cat. I haven’t even gotten into our hedgehog hero Wobert yet! See, he has a speech impediment. So okay, concept aside, it’s really stupid. Jackson’s got a taste for the gross, and very few things are quite as gross as a diabolical fly puppet eating a pile of dung from the toilet, right? This thing is filthy! The finale has SO many dead puppets getting desolated by a chain-toting machine gun, and buckets of gore are dispensed throughout. You would never know how satisfying that is until you see it.
CHOICE CUT:
The musical number "Sodomy" is pretty arousing.
-M
CHOICE CUT:
The musical number "Sodomy" is pretty arousing.
-M
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